Jeff, roll over.
- Roll over. - Good doggy. Good doggy.
What the hell?!
Well, you were snoring again.
Louder than ever.
I don't hear anything.
Because you're awake,
like I have been all night.
Tell you what. I'll let you go back to sleep first.
Thank you.
- Are you still awake? - Yes.
You want to do it?
Episode 2x01 - Flirting with disaster
Transcript by swsub.com Sync by Kasius & Jesslataree
So have you made up your mind?
Yes, I have.
You are the prettiest waitress here.
Hi, I'm Russell. I'm kind of like Fonzie around here.
Fonzie was gay?
I'm kidding.
It's nice to meet you, Russell. I'm Amy.
All right. Well, that's a nice perfume.
- What is it? - It's french fries and sloppy joes.
That's hot. I wouldn't mind taking that
to go.
What's going on?
Nice timing, el blocko.
- Adam, this is Amy. - Nice to meet you.
And I apologize for anything Russell has said to you so far.
No, he's been sweet.
Yes. We have been sweet.
So what can I get you?
I'll have a slice of key lime pie and a coffee, please.
- I'm thinking about the... - Oh, my God,
I wish I had your dimples.
I'd give them to you, but they're a family heirloom.
I got them from my grandfather.
I got my mustache from my grandmother.
You keep your dimples. I'll get your coffee.
Wait, I didn't even order.
- What are you doing? - What?
I had something going with her, and you come in and stomp on my game?
I was just talking to her.
I can't help if my barely trying beats you working it like a rodeo clown.
Dude, I wasn't even trying either,
until now.
You might want to step back.
Those of you in the first few rows may get wet, if you know what I mean.
I don't.
What are you, a dolphin
- or a whale or something? - Don't worry about it.
Just know that you're dealing with the Flirtmaster General.
Okay, yeah, we'll see.
All right, there you go.
So I'm thinking about getting some pie myself.
- What's your favorite? - Feel free to lie to him.
He likes that in a woman.
Really?
And what do you like in a woman?
Anyone who brings me coffee and pie is pretty much at the top of my list.
- I'd better go get that pie, then. - All right.
I didn't even order.
I'm good.
Oh, God, just let it go, man.
You're like that little cartoon dog that's yapping at the big cartoon dog.
Don't compare yourself to the big cartoon dog. You're nothing like him.
This used to happen all the time.
It's the best thing about you getting engaged.
What's the best thing about us getting engaged?
That you took dimples here off the market,
leaving more inventory for me.
Really? That was the best thing?
Honey, of course not.
The best thing about you getting engaged is...
the fact that you two found some beautiful love that you could share.
All right, just ignore him.
He's upset because at the diner,
he was hitting on the new waitress, and I came in
and totally out-flirted him.
That was smart.
- Why were you flirting with a waitress? - I wasn't.
I wasn't being serious. I was messing around with Russell.
Couldn't you just put something he really wants
on a high shelf?
That's not enough.
And then, you know, you told her you were engaged?
You know what?
I don't think you did.
Well, that's weird.
Did you not want her to know that you're engaged?
Yeah, did you not?
No, no. I mean, it just didn't come up.
You might need this.
- Stop it. - I'm just saying,
if I was engaged, I'd be singing it from the rooftops,
'cause I'd be happy about it, but I don't know. This isn't my business.
I know you were just messing around, but the waitress doesn't know that.
She might have gotten the wrong idea.
Yeah, the wrong idea being, there's an alternative to sleeping with me.
Just because she finds out Adam's taken,
doesn't mean she has to sleep with you.
It kind of does.
Look, I'll introduce you as my fiancee, and she'll back off.
Yeah, she'll back off you and back onto me.
And park.
Just because she finds out Adam is not...
It kind of does.
Just once, can I come home and catch you looking at porn like a normal guy?
Italian loafers I got a couple of weeks ago.
I'm enjoying the smell while it's still more leather than foot.
You want a whiff?
I've been married to you for 12 years. My sense of smell is shut.
What's with the 'tude?
It's not "'tude." I'm exhausted.
I've been getting ready for this huge presentation at work,
and today I almost dozed off in the middle of a meeting.
See, I told you your job was boring.
I'm exhausted because of your snoring.
By the way, it's getting worse.
You know, a guy at work cured his snoring with a simple surgery.
What, his wife got a boob job?
He got a surgery on his nose and his uvula.
Pretty sure that's a girl part.
It's not a girl part, but that explains a lot of clumsy groping.
I don't need surgery.
I'll just go back to wearing those nose strips.
Those don't work,
You spend all night telling me you look like you're in the NFL.
Like a white Jerry Rice.
Jerry White-Rice.
Look, it's a simple procedure.
It starts, it finishes, it's over before you know it.
And yes, I know there's a joke about our sex life in there.
I'm proud of you for catching that.
I am swamped at work right now, and I can't take time off for surgery.
Well, my presentation is tomorrow.
I have to get a good night's sleep.
All right, look, don't take this the wrong way or overreact.
How about tonight...
I sleep in the guest room.
Done. Beautiful.
Just mull it over.
It's just for tonight. We'll deal with your snoring after.
You relax, because I'm gonna go get us some take-out for dinner.
All right?
It's your last chance.
This may be the walk that pushes these bad boys over the edge.
Hey, Jeff, it's almost 7:30. Better get up.
What?
Good morning.
It's amazing how great a good night's sleep feels.
I actually got up early this morning, and I went to the gym.
Look at you.
What's on your face?
It's a cheese doodle.
I had a good night too. I caught a Steven Seagal marathon on TV.
He cannot act.
- Did you get any sleep last night? - I think so.
I dozed off during a movie where Seagal was skinny,
I woke up during one where he was fat.
Fat or thin, that man cannot act.
Okay. Wish me luck on my presentation.
You don't need luck.
You're a rock solid gal with top-notch ideas.
Which one is she? Is she pretty?
Oh, yeah, she's really hot.
What do you want me to say?
You could have said "not as pretty as you."
Of course she's not as pretty as...
There she is.
Adam, it's great to see you back.
Hi, Amy, this is my fiancee Jennifer.
I didn't know you were engaged.
Well, how could you? You're not psychic.
- Very nice to meet you. - You too.
Why don't you guys take that booth, and I'll be right with you.
See, now she knows, and everything's fine.
Order me a coffee. I'll be right back.
Your fiancee's pretty.
- Thanks. - So what can I get you?
A slice of key lime.
Again?
Why have the same thing every day?
Why don't you try something new?
Something new?
I'll give you anything you want.
Extra whipped cream is on me.
No, no. I'm happy with the key lime.
You sure I can't tempt you with something new?
The key lime will never find out.
But I'll know.
All right, but if you change your mind, you let me know.
God, I'm glad that presentation's over.
- I'm really glad it went so well. - Never had a doubt.
That's why they make the top explode.
So you can't put the cork back in and return it.
I got the name of that doctor who cured my friend's snoring.
What do you mean? You said you'd deal with my snoring, as in, you'd adjust.
No, I said we'd deal with it,
as in, we'd call the doctor and schedule the surgery.
Come on, babe, it's not just for me.
When you snore, it means you're getting a lot less oxygen.
Less oxygen in, less carbon dioxide out.
I'm helping the environment.
Come on.
You're not talking me into getting a nose job.
Now there are other jobs that you could offer
that I would be willing to entertain.
Come on. I can't go back to your snoring.
Bingham men don't get surgery unless it's life-threatening.
My grandfather needed hip replacement.
Did he get it? No.
He never walked again.
But he rolled with pride.
If I have to go back to getting no sleep, I am gonna go crazy.
Look, I wouldn't ask you to get surgery to change yourself.
Remember when you were thinking about getting a boob reduction? I said no!
Okay, fine. If that's how you feel,
why don't you just keep sleeping in the guest room?
You think that's punishment, confining me to club Jeff?
Where tonight, all Jeffs drink for free.
"In case you changed your mind,
just thought you might want to try my cherry...
pie."
Crap.
Hey, I thought I heard you out here.
I'm starving. Let's go to the diner.
The diner?
Or we could just stay home, and you could cook.
Cook? But I made popcorn last night.
Come on.
- What's that? - That?
That...
That's the reason I don't want to go to the diner.
I bought us a whole pie.
You want to have pie for dinner?
It has never been more clear that we belong together.
Cherry? Is that supposed to mean something?
I think so.
Isn't this great? I got the mini fridge. I got the tunes.
Who wants ramen? Ramen? Two ramen?
No, I'm good.
I don't want to put you out the eight cents.
Suit yourself.
What album do you guys want to jam to?
We got Huey Lewis, Sports,
or J. Geils, Blow your face out, live.
Why don't you pick the album, gramps.
It's your victrola.
So did you introduce Jen to my waitress?
Yes, I did. She's still really into me.
Last night, she left a note attached to a cherry pie.
Cherry. Clearly the sluttiest member of the pie family.
I shouldn't have gone after working out,
glistening with sweat, my dimples blazing.
This is the Cadillac of live albums.
Here we go.
Awesome.
So listen,
I think you should talk to Amy about this whole thing, straighten it out.
That makes sense, and definite not right after I've been to the gym.
Yeah, 'cause you work out. I got that part.
Guys, check out this bean bag I found in the alley.
Somebody just threw that out!
That's great, but what are all those homeless cats gonna pee on now?
I'm thinking about lofting the bed,
and that way, all of this becomes party space.
Awesome solo.
Excuse me.
Men of Delta Chi.
It's getting late, and I'm really tired, so can you keep it quiet?
Yeah, sure thing, mom!
Why don't you just grow up and get the damn surgery?
Looks like somebody wants me back in bed.
Okay, fine, you just stay here and sleep in your own filth,
and I'll go enjoy our nice, big,
garbage-free bed all by myself.
Look at that, she's on the verge of cracking.
Soon, she'll give in, she'll beg me to come back, and I'll be the winner.
All right, my man, there she is.
Let her down easy.
Thanks for the support.
It's all right, brother. I got your back.
Have you been working out?
- I've been to the gym, like four... - Shut up! Just go.
Hey Adam, I'll be right with you.
Actually, I'm not here to eat. I need to talk to you.
- Okay. - Sorry.
I'm flattered that you're so, you know,
into me and all, but I'm happily engaged.
What?
It's perfectly understandable. I led you on
with my dimples and the sexy sweatiness and...
Hey, what are you talking about?
You know, the flirting.
"Try something new"?
I flirt with all my customers 'cause I work for tips.
What about the cherry pie that you sent to my house
with the note?
I have no idea
what you're talking about,
but Fonzie, over there, bought a cherry pie yesterday.
"I'm so hot. Look at my sweaty dimples."
Dude, you've been Russelled.
Good-bye.
What?
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
It's 8:30. I was waiting at the restaurant
- for you for over an hour. - Sorry.
Did you get me something to go?
No.
How late were the guys here last night?
They left around midnight,
but I kept on rocking out till almost 3:00.
Damn air guitar shoulder.
Gotta remember I won't get fooled again, you gotta build up to the windmills.
You have got stains on your shirt, you haven't shaved today,
and that guest room smells like someone died in there.
Well, my shoes finally turned...
Hard.
I don't understand why you're doing this.
Reverting back to John Q. Jackass, college idiot.
Just get the damn surgery and come back to our bed.
I don't want the surgery.
- There's no reason not to do it. - Yes, there is.
- What's the reason? - Organ donor forms.
"Do not resuscitate"?
No, thank you.
They put you under anesthesia. What if I don't wake up?
Honey, are you scared?
I'm not scared. You are.
Those forms are just legal things.
The surgery is completely safe.
But if this is how you feel, I won't push it anymore.
I just want you to come back to our bed.
What about my snoring?
I'd rather be next to you not sleeping than sleep alone.
Come on, I miss my big, furry body pillow.
Okay, I'll get the surgery.
Thank you. I really appreciate it.
And if I fall into a coma, I want you to give me the sponge baths,
not some fat, old nurse.
Or some man nurse.
- I will. - And talk to me,
because they say people in comas can still hear stuff.
- You got it. - All right? But no boring work crap.
Just read me the sports scores.
No soccer, just real sports.
We'll go talk to the doctor tomorrow.
I'm just glad tonight, we're gonna be sleeping together.
The man really cannot act.
Hey, Audrey, check this out.
Watch when Jeff sits in this bean-bag chair.
It's really funny because he's so big, and it's tiny.
So sit right there and look, and it'll be really funny.
Hey, Jeff, sit in it.
Show her how funny it is.
You're right. That was funny.
I've been Russelled.